SO MUCH SHIT HAS HAPPENED I DONT EVEN WANT TO BEGIN TALKING ABOUT IT... let's just say, i'm sick of people not using their minds. a deep, intellectual person is so damn hard to find. most people don't realize the dumb ignorant shit that comes out of their mouth. all i can say is "dude, you're heading down a horrible route." use your mind, a beautiful gift that God gave to you. don't be ignorant, don't be stubborn or careless too. i'm sick of people not using their minds. i swear, all these fucking kids do nowadays is whine. i'm so sad to see how this society has become. wasted minds, people just be fucking dumb. i mean seriously, is it so hard to think? in this life, you either swim or sink. without your mind, you'll go completely nowhere. and you'll probably whine and bitch saying its not fair. well i'm not one of those kids, who wastes their intelligence. i don't live in the past nor the future, i live in the present. whining over stupid shit is not how i roll. being a little spoiled brat won't help me reach my goal.
I am so confused on what I should do.. I second guess myself on whether I should stay or leave but my heart is telling me to stay although I believe I don't deserve this kind of behavior. I'm willing to stay in this if he is although I want to see change and that may not happen. Yes no relationship is perfect and people do fuss and fight but we have to learn how to compromise. All my life I was known not to take crap from anyone, although I let him take over me and he is doing a very good job at it. I let my guard down because he gave me the relationship I have always dreamed of and everything seemed so perfect.. I don't want this to end but I feel like he just gave up. We have been through so much to let something like this get in the way. So really the choice is his. I don't regret anything at all in our relationship because I have learned and grew so much from it. It's funny how I look at the relationship his friends have and it seems so good and they lasted so long and yet we are struggling so hard to keep ours together but when we are together everything just feels right; well to me it does. I value everything we have and wish for all the things we don't have. I haven't given up but I think he is which worries me. I know that he has told me he can hold a grudge for a long time and whether he wants to admit it or not we are kind of playing a game here. I know that his pet peeve is not answering fast enough on AIM or whatever but I can't help all the time that my phone never gets service and I am a slow replier. He has to understand that and right when I thought he did these habits come back again. He tells me that he is going to ignore me so I know how it feels. That is a great game and he is doing a good job at a game I don't want to play. I hate how every time something good happens to me something gets in the way or gets taken away. I ask myself why does this happen to me?
Noah: Would you stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'.
Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Gabe, I remembered this from The Notebook and every time I think about it it reminds me of us. Like I have told you "We can be as happy as we want to be but we got to make it work." I'm not ready to give up on us yet and I want to make things work It's just whether you are willing to help make this relationship grow or not. It takes two people who want the same thing to fight for something as strong as this. I know we have gone through a lot of struggles but we always managed to go through the tough obstacles of life together. I don't want to stop yet, I want to keep pushing and keep moving forward with you. I have done things that I never pictured myself doing for anyone and yet I did them for you, I did them for us. I did those things because I believe and value and cherish our relationship. The thought of us breaking apart tears my heart and crushes it into a million pieces. I never thought we would be in this predicament this early but I told you that I would fight for us through everything, now the time has come and I still stand here with my word that was given to you that I will not give up on us... but its you that I feel is drifting apart and ending everything we have. I have a small box of wonderful memories that I adore with you. I told you that we would open that box together one day in the future. I want to keep making memories not bury them. You are different in a good way and bad way like you told me.. and I know you are not perfect and I know your flaws can get in the way of us 99% of the time.. but I was and still willing to deal with those flaws and push through those bumps on the road to keep moving forward.
I am so tired of tossing and turning at night wondering what he is doing and what he is thinking that it effect my everyday life. As much as I want to put on this I don't care routine its not how I really feel. I do that to keep myself occupied so I don't have to think about what we are going through so my heart won't stop giving up.. but I really do care just when I think about the situation we are in now and what it can lead to I refuse to believe that we could be over.. I don't want to tell myself that even though it is a possibility...
" Have U Ever Been Tired Of Ppl Asking How U Doin And U Say Im Takin It Day By Day. Everywhere I Go I Feel Like Ppl Laughin. Im So Stupid Cause I Let My Good BOY Get Away. My Life Aint Got No Betta, So U Must Not've Got My Letta. So Startin Taday Im Lettin Go Of My Mistakes. Whatever U Wanna Say Baby Im Listenin Cuz I Kno
I Kno That I Hurt And I Dont Deserve You And U Say Its Karma But No I Just Want One More Give Me And Encore Dont Walk Out That Door Baby. Call The Paramedics Cuz Baby I Wont Make It If U Try Ta Tell Me U Dont Wanna B My Baby So Dont Say That to Me If We Cant be The Way We Used to be."
JASMINE IS BACK! man oh man has it been a while since i have last updated this thing, a little over a month to be a little more specific. Life has been CRAZY! A lot of pros and a lot of cons. Well lets get this thing started.. :]
Life: Life has been hectic and family has been all over the place with chaos and destruction. The update on my parents is it is officially over and there is no coming back. My dad has finally realized he cannot start this family again because he is just not ready and he never really was. The only thing he could do is bring money in but money has nothing to do with raising a family, it is only a small aspect. Unconditionally love and care is what a family needs to stay together and he cannot be there for us as much as he would like to because its not in his heart to stay. Its understandable as much as I hate to say it I have seen this coming since the third grade. My mom is holding up a lot better than she normally does in situations like this. She keeps herself occupied so she doesn't have to think about the pain. I personally wouldn't mind having a step dad although he would literally have to be the best dad ever. Even though I am not going to be next to her for a very long time because I am heading off to college in 2 years I need to know that this one is a keeper and he will treat her with love and care and be there for her at all costs. If they ever plan on having a kid than the father role needs to come into FULL EFFECT. There is no backing down she needs "A list material not one that barely made it on A list." Switching topics over to my family in general, we recently had a family trip to the beach and it was great I enjoyed every minute of it even though it got boring most of the time I enjoyed their company and us being together as a family. My cousin Bin or Long dug this like 5 foot hole and it was crazy. This guy always has this goal on every time we go to the beach to build a ditch from the time we get there to the time we leave. Crazy ass asian :] I got to hang out with my cousins Trinh and Quyen since I rarely get to see them since they live in Texas. I am glad to see that they are doing well and are enjoying their trip down here in California. My cousin Bo or Duy is an interesting character but I love him nonetheless. Even though he plays this " everything you do is disgusting and I don't care" type deal he has always been there for me anytime I needed someone to talk to. Even though he is only a good listener. If only he gave good advice too. Really throughout everything I thank God everyday for this guy :] Him and Bin remind me that no matter what age you are, there is always a little kid in everyone you just have to release it. I adore both of my cousins and it is so funny how they make me laugh even when I don't want to about ANYTHING at all. Everytime im having a bad day or I just want to get away I go straight to their house and all of my troubles drift away right when I walk through the door, it's amazing how they can do that to me, i love and respect them :] Just yesterday my little cousins got into a little fight with each other. Nina had a little over six dollars and she promised the other kids she would buy ice cream for them although Jennifer told her that scribblers were only fifty cents so Nina thought that she would be able to buy enough ice cream for all of the kids. When the ice cream man came he said that scribblers were one dollar and twenty five cents. She realized that she doesn't have enough money to buy ice cream for all of them. The littlest cousin Brandon has this behavior where if he doesn't get what he wants he will cry. So she felt forced to buy him ice cream but she knew that if she bought one she would have to buy one for all of them. After the ice cream man left the older kids got frustrated that Nina had broken her promise to them so they told her that they no longer trust her and they don't want to play with her anymore. She comes running in my room and starts bawling. I tried having a talk with the older kids but of course they will never admit that they are selfish. So there is nothing I can do after that. I can't quite remember on what happened specifically on what has happened this whole entire month but lets start fresh :] Just today the 3 La La's (Julie, Richard, & I) finally got together at Richard's house. It was a blast hanging out with them as well as Carol and Anthony. After hanging out at their house I went over to my Uncle's new house to help him move. The most FUNNIEST thing happened as we were moving things out of the U-haul truck. I found this cardboard with writing on it in the back. It said " RIGHT EQUIPMENT" on the front than "LOWEST COST" on the back. Oh man we had great laughs with that. Later we all were getting ready to eat and I call my uncle to tell him to buy SPAM I have no idea what happened but there was a miscommunication and he heard STAMP instead. Ten minutes later they come back with 2 stamps and we are all like WHAT THE !!??!?! We said SPAM NOT STAMP!! Oh maan it was freakin hilarious! Than Bin and Bo were having this argument about cameras.... odd I know. But we finally settled on CANNON STI OVER NIKON D80 well Cannon>Nikon. Today was just an overall fantastic day except for the fact that I started my menstrual cycle today BLEH but actually I have been wanting to start it so I guess it was a good day :]
Love: I really dont need to talk about this but overall it is going pretty well :] We recently came out of a huge discussion that didn't go to well but I would rather not say here on my blogspot just because than everyone would be in our business hahaha but it's really a case of our flaws going into effect.
Aw man I haven't written in my blog for a while now. It feels good to be back :] Things have been hectic and crazy these past few weeks. The heat wave in San Jose is just making it worse! Knowing that I have volleyball tomorrow is a bull spit. I really have no idea where to start on what has been going on so I am going to start off with the day I remember the most which is the day when my butt buddie Judie Huynh came down from Oregon to San Jose. Woke up nice and early in the morning got ready and go with Jimmy Vo to pick up my butt buddie in Oakland. The drive there was pretty cool. When I sit in the passenger seat going to a far place I look like a tourist. I love the view of the city in the car from the front seat even though I see these buildings everyday I just love the view. After we picked Judie up and came home we settled down and first thing we did was set up escape routes; cute huh? After we settled in we went to Vista Park to go meet up with some people and just chill at the park. The weather was perfect although it was boring watching a bunch of guys play basketball after an hour. After that we went to Thuong Nguyen's house and chilled there for a little while than went home. This is where the story gets interesting. Of course we tried sneaking back out because Thuong was having a little get together at his house around midnight. Judie and I opened the garage door and almost got out until I realized that my grandpa could lock the door again and we would be screwed. So I unlocked the front door but than I hear my grandpa come out I was just thinking like fuck my life. So he is telling me that he already knew we were going to sneak out. I rush into my room and just jump on my bed and call Judie. But she was hiding in the garage and she has no service so she had to go outside through our original escape route. I kept telling her to come in but she refused to come in because she is clumsy. So I had to somehow find a way to go out there and get here. The only way I could think of was through the sliding door in the kitchen. Once I got out, I stopped and thought how I was supposed to walk through the backyard without anyone seeing me when their windows were partially open. I dipped down and tried to make a run for it but than I turned around and right when I did, I see the kitchen light turn on and I see my grandpa. I immediately bend down and just try to stay quiet. This was when my heart raced faster than ever in my life. I was breathing so hard there was not one ounce of spit in my mouth. I was right beneath the window he was looking in. After I peek over and see him go to the front door I ran faster than ever to the fence which was the only way out. I look out and I see that it is all clean until I hear the front door open. I was standing on the right side of my dad's Lexus and dipped down. For approximately fifteen minutes I did this sneaking game with him. When he would walk down towards the back of the car I would creep up to the front and when he would walk towards the front I would creep to the back. I have never been so scared in my life. After I thought the coast was clean and he went inside he came right back out! I didn't know what to think but just keep creeping around the car. So than after the coast was officially clear I walk to the park assuming that Judie will be there but than my phone rings and I thought it was Judie but it was my grandpa! Of course my first instinct was to not pick it up. So than I get a call from Judie asking where I am and we meet up at the park with James Gatchalian. For a good ten minutes we were sitting in James car trying to convince Judie to go back inside. I look at my phone and there is a voice mail, it was from my Grandpa. He told me that it was alright and I need to come home and sleep. He knows that we snuck out and he won't tell. After listening to his voice mail I felt so guilty and had to go back to the house. Although Judie refused to go because she was so scared. Right when she decides that she can go back in the house we try to figure out which way to go back in. To our surprise all of the escape routes are a no go. They were all locked. My last resort was to call my grandpa to tell him to open up the door. The first ten calls he did not pick up. I was scared we were going to stay out the whole night because he didn't pick up. Right as he opened the door Judie and I ran to my room and just fell to the ground. Shaking and paranoid for a couple of hours. We called the people that would comfort us the most to try to calm us down because this is the first time I have snuck out and this is the first time that Judie has been caught. What a night it was and after we thought that it couldn't get any worse. Drama started between friends. On fourth of July I went to my friends bbq and lets just say more fights broke out than normal over idiotic things. Low tolerance can do damage. The next few days I spent with my cousin Judie and Timmy and Richard Vo. It was nice catching up with everyone again and going swimming and the drive in. I am extremely tired right now and I would go into more detail about what happened with Timmy and Richard but I am just done typing. Quote: "Every time a man stands up for an idea or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustice, he sends out a tiny ripple of hope... and those ripples build a current which break down the mightiest wall of oppression and resistance. This generation can not afford to waste its substance and its hope in the struggles of the past for beyond these walls is a world that needs to be helped and improved and made safe for the welfare of mankind. And the real question before you, before all young Americans, is whether we will help bring about that future or whether we will not help and stand by."- RFK
Life: Over these past couple of days, a lot has improved and a lot has changed for the better and for the worse. Family issues are still in play and it seems like a never ending game of bias viewpoints. I can never seem to connect with my dad even though he says he really wants to understand and I try to open up to him but because he is hardheaded and ignorant he won't listen. " Don't let anyone tell you you can't do something" I tell myself that everyday when I see him. My whole life I have tried to please everyone around me and try to satisfy there needs, well now its my turn. I can't take it anymore. All of this negative connotation and the person who tells me he wants to change doesn't make the extra effort to support me with what I have a passion for. Lies on top of lies, thats what hes best at. I know that my mom tries hard to please both of us and I respect her for that. I love my mom unconditionally she has raised me to be who I am today. I thank God for her everyday and nobody can take her away from me, especially him. I have tried to balance my life between school and friends and family but it can never be balanced because one is always heavier than the other. I pray for the day when I will be happy. Just when it seems like everything is going so well someone always gets in the way of my happiness and its normally the same person. I love my friends more than anything. When I am with them, all of my troubles disappear. They always keep a smile on my face and want to see me happy.
Love/Social: Yesterday 1F came over and we had a movie night which didn't go as well as I thought it would. It was fun having everyone over but the fact that my house is a traditional cultured Asian house it's hard for some of them to understand how much respect you need to give to elders especially when you are in their house.It was hard to watch the movie with all of the side conversations going on but I ended up watching the movies after everyone left. I had a really nice conversation with my best friends Julie Tran and Richard Vo. Every time we hang out it is never dull. I love being around them and their positive attitude and how we are all naturally comfortable with each other and can be open minded about anything. We had a very nice talk about each others personal life and I have come to find mine confusing and not entirely to my satisfaction. They helped remind me why I stayed single for so long. It's hard to find a guy that will keep you on your toes and molds who you are as a person. Hanging out at Vista Park was a thrill. I had a ton of fun laughing until I could not breathe. I think the only thing that bugs me when I hang out with the Fam is they don't realize that a lot of their jokes towards me isn't necessary. I understand they are joking around but I don't like to be referred to a porn star. Thats not a compliment to me. I know they mean well but even when I have told them to stop they continue so what am I to do? I guess they are at an age where everything refers to something sexual. It's funny at first but gets old after. Other than that, I always love spending time with them and I feel bad that we are all separated from each other because of where we live. Knowing that, when we hang out we make the best of it. Have a lot of laughs, make a lot of memories, and just appreciate that we are all here together. One Family nobody gets left behind; ohana.
Lesson: "Don't ever let anyone tell you you can't do something" always strive and push yourself beyond the limit. Determination, dedication, and perseverance will give you the drive to succeed in everything you do. Negative put downs will only help you in life. It will make you a stronger person to push you to prove everyone wrong.
Quote:"We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
I woke up this morning to a beautiful California sunshine gleaming through my window and a lot of missed calls eeek. As usual I was woken up by my little cousins and greeted with my youngest cousin Brandon who is three jumping on my stomach asking me to wake up and play with him. Of course, I told him I would be out in a minute and this is the time I take care of my missed phone calls. I listened in on my voicemails and noticed that Lucy my school's ASB President left me a voicemail saying that there is going to be a last minute ASB meeting today at 12 pm. I quickly checked the time on my phone and realized that I had about ten minutes to get there. Right when I was about to leave my grandma tells me that I need to stay home and watch the little kids. So I had to call in Lucy and tell her, of course it would have been helpful if she had told me a day in advance but there is nothing I can do. I still will continue to take on full responsibility of my role being ASB Director of Dances :] After I dealt with that issue, Richard called me asking what I was doing and I planned on going swimming like I have been doing everyday and asked him to join me. He came over around 130 ish and we left around 330 because we invited Jimmy also and to my suprise Timmy was in the car also! When we got to my cousin's mobile home we hung out there for half an hour just to wait for the manager to leave so we can all go swimming. Just our luck right when we open the gate she kicks us out. So than Jimmy, Timmy, Richard, and I go to Thi's old apartment complex to swim at that pool. Thankfully a lady was there and opened the gate for us. It was fun and it was nice hanging out with all of them. Seeing as I never see Timmy and I see Jimmy every once in a while. After we swam, Jimmy got us all something to drink at 711 and than took me home. When I got home my father and I looked at the stove and saw nothing that satisfied our taste buds so decided to drive to KFC. This is where my day got interesting. I was driving on Monterey and the light turned green indicating me to go right as I turn a car just comes flying past me running through a red light and was an inch away from an accident. It was such a close call I was petrified after that. After getting KFC having chicken and rice just made my day a little better :] After the incredible meal, I took a shower and than got on the computer to check my emails. I saw that my friend Jennifer and Kenny from Oregon was on AIM and remembered that she was in San Jose. Their grandpa past away not too long ago, may his soul rest in peace. The funeral will be held tomorrow at 9 a.m at Oak Hill, I ask God to let his soul rest in peace and be carried to heaven. Kenny and I decided to catch up on things and see how everything was going how life was. Interestingly enough, he and I are somewhat on the same page. It was great catching up with him and hopefully we can call meet up before they have to return to Oregon. It was already getting late and before I knew it it was midnight. So I ended the night making a phone call to James and could not go to sleep after so decided to write in my blog and here I am! Today really was an interesting day and It had me going through a roller coaster of different emotions.
Love/Social: This is the most interesting topic I believe is to write about. It's hard to express what is going on in my love/social life because there is so much to say and I am still quite unsure about things myself. I met this guy and things have been great, better than I would have asked for. Although the trust issue has been on both of our minds. Im sure everyone can relate when you have found someone that molds you so well your aftraid of losing them. Well thats how I sort of feel. Girls are girls. They have a lot of power to do certain things and guys can easily fall into that. I know that I shouldn't worry too much because it is still early for anything but I guess I am hoping that we will get somewhere in a matter of time and this wont be another reinactment of the past. He does make me smile whenever I talk to him and makes me feel safe when I am around him but when I am not around him or talking to him it makes me worried. I know that the more feelings I put into this the more I push him away so I am not trying to do that; that is the last thing I would do. I love how I can talk to him about anything and it is funny how for the first time, it seems like I don't wear the pants in this, he does. It's nice to finally step down and let the man be in control, not full control but have some authority as to what he wants. I have always been the one to take the extra initiative to keep things going smoothly between me and the guy and I really get tired. It's nice to take a break from that and have someone do that for you. I really miss my family and friends especially the ones that are far away from me and those who I have lost contacted with. I miss my brother Qui dearly and I hope he only gets the best things in life. I am so proud of everything he has done in life and all fo the accomplishments he has made. Only God knows how much I care and love him and one day he will know how much unconditional love I have for him. I know what they say is true when they say "god must have spent a little more time on you." I ask God for him to stand by my mom and help her through her troubles because if she is blind enough to not see what is in front of her she is about to go down the road of troubles. The only person left to help her is you God because she pushes her family and friends away, including myself. I had a long talk with my mother yesterday after my father had left about her seperation and what he has done to her. It's crazy how fast she trusted him again and thats what got her falling in his trap. She doesn't realize that he has brainwashed her to do the things that he wants her to do. She has been spending outrageous amounts of money on things that are not necessary. This is not like my mom, for all of you who know her you would understand where I am coming from. You could say she isn't a dominant strong independant woman. She still needs help and someone to guide her, hold her hand through everything. As much as I have tried helping It doesn't help when she does not learn and take notice on her life. She cannot always depend on people to tell her what to do and how to do it. She is a grown woman and she needs to take position on her life and do this herself. Im not always going to be here. I am almost gone, I don't think that has clicked in her head.
Lesson:
Today I have learned that people aren't always as what you might think they are. I underestimated someone today and for that I apologize. Communication is key and I have experienced that at its worst today. Keep living life as if it were your last. Stop thinking about all the negative things in life wether its going to happen or is happening and just enjoy life. Be happy and enjoy life while your still here because every year it will change. You can never look back at the past and relive anything. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Quote:
"He does not speak the truth but not a lie" - Ravey
