Monday August 25, 2008 12:58 p.m

I am so confused on what I should do.. I second guess myself on whether I should stay or leave but my heart is telling me to stay although I believe I don't deserve this kind of behavior. I'm willing to stay in this if he is although I want to see change and that may not happen. Yes no relationship is perfect and people do fuss and fight but we have to learn how to compromise. All my life I was known not to take crap from anyone, although I let him take over me and he is doing a very good job at it. I let my guard down because he gave me the relationship I have always dreamed of and everything seemed so perfect.. I don't want this to end but I feel like he just gave up. We have been through so much to let something like this get in the way. So really the choice is his. I don't regret anything at all in our relationship because I have learned and grew so much from it. It's funny how I look at the relationship his friends have and it seems so good and they lasted so long and yet we are struggling so hard to keep ours together but when we are together everything just feels right; well to me it does. I value everything we have and wish for all the things we don't have. I haven't given up but I think he is which worries me. I know that he has told me he can hold a grudge for a long time and whether he wants to admit it or not we are kind of playing a game here. I know that his pet peeve is not answering fast enough on AIM or whatever but I can't help all the time that my phone never gets service and I am a slow replier. He has to understand that and right when I thought he did these habits come back again. He tells me that he is going to ignore me so I know how it feels. That is a great game and he is doing a good job at a game I don't want to play. I hate how every time something good happens to me something gets in the way or gets taken away. I ask myself why does this happen to me?

Noah: Would you stay with me?

Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'.

Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

Gabe,
I remembered this from The Notebook and every time I think about it it reminds me of us. Like I have told you "We can be as happy as we want to be but we got to make it work." I'm not ready to give up on us yet and I want to make things work It's just whether you are willing to help make this relationship grow or not. It takes two people who want the same thing to fight for something as strong as this. I know we have gone through a lot of struggles but we always managed to go through the tough obstacles of life together. I don't want to stop yet, I want to keep pushing and keep moving forward with you. I have done things that I never pictured myself doing for anyone and yet I did them for you, I did them for us. I did those things because I believe and value and cherish our relationship. The thought of us breaking apart tears my heart and crushes it into a million pieces. I never thought we would be in this predicament this early but I told you that I would fight for us through everything, now the time has come and I still stand here with my word that was given to you that I will not give up on us... but its you that I feel is drifting apart and ending everything we have. I have a small box of wonderful memories that I adore with you. I told you that we would open that box together one day in the future. I want to keep making memories not bury them. You are different in a good way and bad way like you told me.. and I know you are not perfect and I know your flaws can get in the way of us 99% of the time.. but I was and still willing to deal with those flaws and push through those bumps on the road to keep moving forward.

I am so tired of tossing and turning at night wondering what he is doing and what he is thinking that it effect my everyday life. As much as I want to put on this I don't care routine its not how I really feel. I do that to keep myself occupied so I don't have to think about what we are going through so my heart won't stop giving up.. but I really do care just when I think about the situation we are in now and what it can lead to I refuse to believe that we could be over.. I don't want to tell myself that even though it is a possibility...

" Have U Ever Been Tired Of Ppl Asking How U Doin And U Say Im Takin It Day By Day. Everywhere I Go I Feel Like Ppl Laughin. Im So Stupid Cause I Let My Good BOY Get Away. My Life Aint Got No Betta, So U Must Not've Got My Letta. So Startin Taday Im Lettin Go Of My Mistakes. Whatever U Wanna Say Baby Im Listenin Cuz I Kno

I Kno That I Hurt And I Dont Deserve You And U Say Its Karma But No I Just Want One More Give Me And Encore Dont Walk Out That Door Baby. Call The Paramedics Cuz Baby I Wont Make It If U Try Ta Tell Me U Dont Wanna B My Baby So Dont Say That to Me If We Cant be The Way We Used to be."

- The Way We Used To Be by Lee Carr