&& i am back. sorta.

wow i just remembered that i had a blogspot! Why make a tumblr when you have a blogspot?! :]

well i am going to try my best and blog everyday like i said.. i will try no promises.


021110:
we have been through so much as a couple. we have had our ups and downs and been through thick and thin. and now i don't know what to think. i mean it wasn't so much the question anymore that i was concerned about it was his reply to the question. " i don't know if i really love her or if i am saying it to please the both of us." after everything we have been through we fought through one of the hardest relationships to maintain being 500 miles away from each other and now everything just seems like a complete lie. i know that he never wanted to move here in the first place and every time he tells me he does i feel like hes lying through his teeth and holding the truth under his breath. i felt completely lost. i had no idea how to take this. i knew i shouldn't take it to the heart because i might have interpreted it wrong but i couldn't help but read that small sentence over and over again to myself all night last night. all i ever wanted was the truth and i know in order to get the truth you must tell the truth and i tell him absolutely everything! i feel like our relationship is at its peak of breaking right now even though that is the last thing i would ever want between us. but if this is how it going to be then i guess i have to accept it. he is coming in two days and i have no idea how i am going to face him. i just wish i knew all of this from the start. i don't know if he is just physically attracted to me or does he really like me? maybe because i am so far away it feels like there really is nothing there it is just someone to talk to at night and someone to call. i am so disappointed in myself and us. i can't even begin to describe how i feel right now that is the best form of expression i could think of but it is so much more. i want to talk to him about this this weekend but it is new years and its supposed to be a great start to the new year. i have no idea what to do... i wish he could just talk to me the way i talk to him so i know exactly where he stands and if the case is that where he stands is no where then so be it.